My brother came to me while in my last relationship and said “Kita I don’t like the way he is posting your ass on his thumbnail for click bait”. Literally in the next video I had to explicitly say “don’t put my ass on the thumbnail”. Months later I noticed the trend continued. Every other title he used for his famous content was associated with women and depicted women. Even in an attempt to rekindle our relationship I remember being around his team and hearing “oh that’s a good angle” “ they’re gonna love that” while also challenging the woman associated with the videos intelligence. It was clear she was an object for use and then discarded. This blog isn’t about him because we’re still friends but I definitely gave him a piece of my feminist mind about a problem that has been around for centuries. The exploitation and objectification of women for gain. Monetary, social, and all other benefits we can think of because they are attractive in some form. This has been going on for an extremely long time.
Combating the Patriarchal Gaze
As early as the Victorian Era, male gaze has been problematic for women. No wave of feminism has been able to fully combat the hyper-sexualized culture that we live in from advertising to social media, our music, music videos, video games, and in our daily lives. In social media alone, there are studies that show women feel the most pressures to conform to social norms, stereotypes, looks, and gender roles. Ultimately, it can end up doing more harm than good.
One of the effects that intrigued me in particular was that of the dumb blonde or the blonde bimbo. I often get the whole “you don’t act like your social media looks” statement from men that can read beyond seeing my cleavage on an instagram post. It makes me thing about the second half of this article because I can’t (and also can) understand how someone who looks nice and is less modest by societies standards can be misunderstood. This causes a lot of hurdles for women in society and also in the workplace.
While attending a course in 2017, a panel of high level women told us that in a class they attended on leadership, they were told that if they wanted to be taken more seriously it was suggested to lower the pitch of their voice and wear less makeup. I was immediately with wide eyes and side smirks upon hearing that shit. I wanted to say out loud “Are you fucking kidding me?” However, stats and facts say it’s true although to me it can act as a double edged sword. Can’t we be smart and pretty?
Pretty Girl Privilege
Yes a patriarchal industry uses women for gain but what about when women use it for gain?
While recording a weekly podcast that I am a part of, it was brought to my attention that I had pretty girl privilege in regards to dating. I was confused when hearing it because I believe that we all have the ability to pick and choose when it comes to dating but I could be wrong. I couldn’t tell if there was shade being thrown my way or if this pretty privilege shit was actually a real thing. I started digging and turns out it was true, but not solely in the context that it was presented. Yet when women use what they have to get what they want on platforms like only fans they’re ridiculed. I won’t get started on the whole IG model thing.
In research, I was able to discover that even the theory of evolution has ideas associated with animal aesthetic and how that contributes to procreation and building of certain species. Although we know evolution to be about natural selection, there was a side theory that Darwin looked into about how a lot of male species attract females based on what the world deems now as “beautiful” traits. Think about a male peacock, rooster, lion, certain species of marine life and how they all have “a look” to them that appears Alpha or pleasing to the eye.
When we see what society calls a beautiful man, what comes to mind?
Tall, muscular build, strong jawline, strong hairline, athletic, handsome…
Women…
Short, petite, hips, soft spoken, breasts and butt…
All of these features are associated directly with what science believes makes any one human attractive and worthy of passing on genetics for the advancement of the species. The problem occurs when that causes privilege amongst humans that have a higher level of intelligence. When we are afforded better jobs, more opportunities, become above the law, and get more social attention because of good genes, that’s what becomes pretty privilege. Although I wanted to fight this because it can be subjective and in the eye of the beholder, there is too much quantifiable data out there to prove that pretty is indeed privileged.
The problems.
Self Confidence: I would here my mother brag about how beautiful I was to friends in conversation while also caveating how I understand how pretty I am while emphasizing that I am not conceited. In my later age, I have developed an opposing view although it was obvious that mom was trying to teach me the lesson of being humble. We all have heard the term beauty is skin deep but how well is that going to go over with a teenage girl that is watching other girls get attention from more developed women, skinnier women, or thicker women (depending on the likes of the men we try to impress)
Beauty is pain: You’ve heard this from a man before I am sure. “Why do you wear them if they hurt your feet?” In a 2003 interview with Oprah, Beyonce told the talk show host about how she intentionally walked in heels beginning at the age of 13 to get used to performing in them despite the pain she endures. Why? Because it looks good and makes her “beyonce” look good while it’s uh oh’ing.
Now, obviously this isn’t the only associated pain we encounter to be pretty. There are rising issues that range from eating disorders to body dismorphia that reck havoc on our internal and external body. Women have been dealing with this since 18th century corsets that destroy our insides.
Bias: There are studies that show beauty affects everything from how often children stare at you to job opportunities, to whether or not you get charged for criminal offense. Those who are obese are stereotypically viewed as lazy and less deserving than a fit individual that in my opinion is probably even more of an asshole than anyone who has a naturally low metabolism. Those who are black are stereotypically viewed as less professional when it comes to acceptable hair styles (at the minimum). There was recently a viral post from a black women in which she talked about how her leadership told her that her baby hairs were unprofessional and faddish. Yes…baby hairs. And I can only imagine how that affected her in the workplace just by the way she looked.
Double Edged Sword: It’s also not easy walking into work getting all the eyes and compliments because you’re pretty while simultaneously being viewed as incompetent. The environment becomes an unspoken “shut up and just be pretty”.
On my social media, its bittersweet knowing that if I post a dolled up selfie or something less modest I will get the attention that Love With Charlotte needs but most folks will either call me an attention whore or even worse, completely overlook the passion that is put into the passion.
The Cause
Who’s to blame? We can blame a ton of factors including media, social status, technology, advertising, politics, socio-cultural norms. However, I would say that the all encompassing reason is simply a conditioned society. One that is mostly ran by patriarchal ideals executed by ALL genders. This whole pretty thing has even affected all three waves of feminism. I was told that I am “too pretty to be a feminist” by someone recently and even that is set deeply in a conditioned notion that women only become feminists because they are so unattractive that of course we turn into she-woman man haters. Bullshit.
So now what?
Bringing it back to the story about the man. Why can he use beauty as a way to garner following and attention and women can’t without a social side eye? How is it that society uses the beauty of a woman to make money but a woman doing the same thing is ridiculed and not taken seriously?
Women should neither be held to a higher standard of appearance than men, nor ridiculed as vain for their efforts to measure up. – Deborah Rhode “The Beauty Bias“
I could go on further but I have to wrap this up for now….
Let’s teach our children to find other ways to develop their self esteem first. Let’s teach them that they are good enough and focus on their internals before their externals.
Let’s also teach them that they have every right to think they are the shit both as made and with modification or accentuation predicated on the foundations of self love.
Men fight your animalistic urge to focus on the outside and listen to the gender that is culturally seen as inferior.
Women don’t alter anything about you with the intention on making them love you when you don’t love yourself yet. And when you do…don’t let any person lead you to believe you are anything more than that LOVE.
And although we have clearly made it evident that pretty privilege is a thing, I still believe it is subjective because some of the most beautiful souls I know still have what it takes to LOVE others and LOVE themselves in ways that make them the most beautiful people on the fucking planet. I would challenge us all to be like them…
Love Charlotte.
